sarcasm needs its own font
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize