Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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