I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize