When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize