there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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