she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
