I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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