So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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