I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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