Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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