My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
