Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
