My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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