Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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