I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Barsexuality is the new black.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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