Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
