the condom got lost in my hair
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize