I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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