I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
