saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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