i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
