My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
