yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
