Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
