Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
