just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
