Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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