Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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