Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
