I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
