OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
