You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
