planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
