my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
