Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
