I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
