the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
