Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
