I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
