I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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