I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
