Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
