You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize