Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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