The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
