i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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