i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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