I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
