I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize