There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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