Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
