dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
