so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize