I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize