i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
