I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
