So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
