Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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