Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize