it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have aggressive nipples.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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