I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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