I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
