i love accidental penises.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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