just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
