ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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