Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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