I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
