please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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