Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
